Recipe for an Emotional Affair
by StrawberryPajamas
Summary: Several oneshots between Ryan and Pam over the years. Something i've never tried before, so I hope you likes. starts out The Fire. now complete
1. The Fire

Affairs can often lead to destruction. They are messy, hurtful, and can tear a person apart on the inside. They could bring pleasure for one, hurt and pain for the other. These, of course, are physical affairs.

I have yet to talk about the other:

Emotional.

These are much more subtle; more poetic. Sometimes the people involved can never even notice.

As you all know, Jim and Pam had an emotional affair.

But this is not what I will be talking about.

I will be talking about two people who had an emotional affair so subtle that nobody even noticed.

No one paid attention.

Only he noticed.

Ryan.

Ryan and Pam.

Yes they had an emotional affair.

And this is their story.

* * *

**Recipe for an Emotional Affair**

_Stupid blonde chick..._

Pam thought angrily as she strolled around the edge of the large grey business park. She couldn't believe Roy had just said that in front of her. She knew it was just a game. A really unprofessional game, at that, but still just a game.

_Who would you do, Roy?_

_Oh... I got it! Who's that tightass Christian chick? The blonde?_

Did he even see her standing there, right next to him? Did he not even consider she would be offended by him saying that? Did he even care?

_My name is Angela._

_Hi, Angela... nice to meet you._

He didn't even know her name! He just thought she was hot. He really looked at other women like that? When he had a fiancee, and when he should only be focused on her? This raised other questions, like what did he do on his nights out with the guys? Images of strip clubs and drunk guys and hot girls immediately popped up in her mind, but she shook them out. Pam didn't need to have those thoughts implanted in her mind, when they were most likely never to leave.

Pam kept walking around the building, trying to burn off all the anger she felt toward her boarish fiancee. This wasn't the first time he had made her feel like crap without a clue as to why. He was oblivious a lot of the time, only paying attention to the things he cared about. He hadn't asked her how her day was in years, and she gave up asking him months ago. But she just figured they were growing more comfortable around each other, and were just getting used to married life.

_They weren't married, _Pam thought dully. She had been the queen of those three words for way too long now.

Pam angrily kicked a rock lying by her foot. It bounced along the pavement and out of sight around the corner.

"Ouch!"

Pam heard someone say up ahead. She walked towards the sound and looked around the corner.

Ryan was there, sitting on the curb and rubbing his ankle.

"Oh, sorry Ryan." Pam mumbled. Ryan looked up, a little surprised.

"Oh, Pam... I didn't see you there." Ryan stood up and nervously smoothed his hands over his shirt.

"Did I hurt you?" Pam looked worriedly at his heel. Ryan quickly shook his head.

"No, no... I'm fine. You didn't even kick it that hard." Ryan looked a little embarrassed.

Pam looked curious, "Why are you back here?"

Ryan's face turned visibly red, "Oh, uh... I was just... um..."

"Hiding from Michael." Pam smiled understandingly, tucking a piece of hair behind her ear. Ryan chuckled.

"Yeah, basically."

They stood there awkwardly for a second before Pam made a decision.

"You wanna sit?"

Ryan looked a little surprised, "Oh, yeah... definitely."

Pam slipped off her shoes and sat down on the edge of the curb. She wrapped her arms around her stomach and sighed deeply. Ryan sat down right next to her. They just sat there, side-by-side, without saying a word for several minutes. A light breeze blew by, feeling cool on their skin.

"What am I going to do, Ryan?"

Ryan turned his head and looked at her. Pam merely pinched a piece of grass between her thumb and forefinger and rolled it, making green rub off on her skin. "I'm hopeless."

"How do you figure?"

Pam sighed, "I don't even know if I want to marry him anymore."

Ryan was silent for a second. "Just because of that stupid Angela comment?"

"Not just that: because of everything. He doesn't even treat me like his fiancee anymore! I'm just a stupid drinking buddy." she tore the piece of grass in half.

They were silent for another minute, just listening to each other's breathing. It was calming Pam down a little bit.

"You and Roy are good together."

Pam bowed her head slightly, letting her bangs fall in her face.

"You don't have to lie."

"I'm not. I could see you guys as a married couple."

Pam sighed, "Then why can't I?"

She glanced at Ryan, who was just looking at his shoes, deep in thought. She felt a flutter in her heart when she saw how seriously he was taking her situation.

"I honestly don't know."

Pam felt alone; she wanted someone to understand what she was going through. She felt a sudden rush of affection for Ryan for just being there, and she leaned over and rested her head on his shoulder, sighing dispiritedly. She heard Ryan's breath hitch ever so slightly. But just for a second.

They just sat there, silent for several minutes; listening to the wind blow and and the murmur of voices of their fellow coworkers on the other side of the building. Neither of them realized their hearts were beating simultaneously; a rhythm of fast-paced ticks that beat inside them, never-ending. Never to stop.

* * *

**Take 2 people: 1 male, 1 female**

**preferrably the same age**

**sharing common interests, and a common heart**


	2. Halloween

**Step 2: **

**Take the 1 male**

**And sprinkle subtly with affection**

* * *

Ryan was typing up his quaterly numbers when she walked by his desk.

Pam.

She was just walking by to hand a message to Creed, but Ryan couldn't help but notice. He couldn't help but smell the trail of sweet perfume she left as she passed. Ryan wanted to look at her; to smile at her. To acknowlege her existence, and just talk to her like they talked just the other day behind the building during the fire.

But he really needed to finish up this quarterly.

It was halloween. He didn't bother dressing up, because well... he didn't really see the point. Everyone in this office acted strange enough that they didn't need to dress up for it. So far, he noticed Michael dressed up as a two-headed version of himself, Jim was a three-hole punch piece of paper, Dwight was a monk, Phyllis was a mixture of three different cats, Toby wore pajamas, Meredith looked like a zombie who underwent brain surgery, Angela was a white cat, Oscar was a woman, Kevin was a superhero, Devon was a hobo, Creed was a vampire...

Pam was a black cat.

But, not like the creepy cat that Angela portrayed, or the stereotypical black cats that were normally used on halloween. Ryan glanced over at reception, thinking. It was a cute version; the way it should be. Her furry cat ears and painted-on nose and curls spilling out over her shoulders were what made Ryan like her costume so much.

_Adorable_, crossed his mind, but he shook it out almost immediately. He suddenly remembered he was sitting in front of his computer, at work.

He really needed to finish up this quarterly.

***

**Step 2: Check**


	3. Email Surveillance

**Step 3:**

**Take the 1 female**

**And mix with 1 bad relationship**

**Mix till your arm hurts so much you can't move it anymore**

**And you just want to give up**

* * *

Jim's party was a huge success, Pam noticed as she scanned the whole turnout. She took a sip of cold beer, feeling the cool liquid pour down her throat and drowning the sick feeling that formed in the pit of her stomach. Don't get her wrong, she loved going to Jim's barbeque solo: it gave her opportunity to talk to her best friend without Roy hanging over her shoulder the whole time. But she hated that Roy didn't even consider _thinking _about going to the party with her. It was another reason she could add to her list of Roy-related annoyances. Unsurprisingly, it was getting longer and longer every day.

Pam took another swig, feeling a little lonely. She glanced around, hoping there was someone she could talk to. She saw Jim catching her eye, and he waved. She waved back, smiling. He could be so sweet sometimes. If only Roy was more like him...

Suddenly, Ryan walked into the kitchen. He smiled when he saw Pam.

"Hey Pam," Ryan grinned his little half-smile he did. Pam couldn't help but grin back.

"Hey Ryan, how're you?" Pam asked cheerily. She always felt comfortable around Ryan.

"Okay... Livin' in the moment." He answered. He pulled out a beer from a bucket of ice sitting on the counter. He cracked it open and held it away, making sure none of the foam landed on him.

Pam giggled, "Of course."

Ryan hesitated before walking back out to the crowd, "You wanna... sit outside?" he asked Pam apprehensively. About half the party was already out there, but Pam's heart almost melted at how sweetly he asked.

"Yeah, definitely." Pam smiled before following him out to the deck. The air was warm, and it felt nice against Pam's skin.

Her and Ryan sat down on two lawn chairs near where Creed and Phyllis were chatting. They made some small-talk, both sipping beer and bashing on Michael. Once or twice, Ryan would make a comment that would make Pam crack up, and she would for him. Most of the time, they would just be silent, looking up to the sky; counting the stars that twinkled above them.

***

When Pam got home that night, Roy was on the couch: passed out and drunk. Pam sighed as she slipped off her coat and picked up a blanket off the floor, throwing it over her fiancee. He snorted slightly in his sleep. Pam slowly made her way to their bedroom, trying to remember what she really wanted from a fiancee...

The words _blue eyes _and _stars_ filled her head. She was never entirely sure why.

***

**Step 3: Check**


	4. Christmas Party

**Step 4: Take 1 party**

**At the office**

**Add liberally with booze**

* * *

Yeah, Ryan was definitely drunk. He tried blinking away the haziness in his eyes as he threw back another shot of vodka, alone at his desk. Normally, he didn't care for vodka: he was more of a Budweiser guy. But seeing as Michael only got 15 identical bottles of the same drink, he didn't have many options.

The party was in full swing: the music was blaring, and everybody was dancing and laughing and having a good time. He could tell everyone in the office were happily buzzed too: Meredith and Packer dancing together by the tree was more than a clear sign. People were mingling and showing each other the crappy presents they received, most of them with big smiles on their faces.

Ryan sighed sadly as he looked at his present: Creed's crappy old shirt. Maybe he could give it to a homeless guy or something.

Ryan rubbed his eyes, helplessly trying to wipe away the blurriness. He decided that he would never drink vodka again after this party; it was definitely messing with his sense of depth perception. Maybe he would be so drunk by the end of the night he would pass out and forget this whole, weird party ever happened. He rubbed his eyes again and looked over at reception.

Pam was sitting there. Jim was standing over her and Pam's eyes were glowing with happiness as she set Dwight's turquoise tea pot on the counter for him to see. Pam said something which made Jim's whole face break out in a look of pure love and delight, she couldn't have missed it. Ryan watched as she visibly caught herself and said something else, and Jim's smile faded ever so slightly. Jim said something else, pointing at the teapot, and Pam's whole face lit up in a look of childish excitement. They both began digging through the little teapot and pulled out items one by one, laughing.

Ryan hoped more than anything he would be so drunk by the end of the night, he wouldn't remember anything that had happened. He threw back another shot of vodka, just to be sure.

***

**Step 4: Check**

_If you haven't already realized this yet, I'm writing Ryan's chapters a little shorter. This is cuz his are more about the feelings he knows he has, and Pam's are longer with dialogue cuz she doesn't quite get that anything's there yet. Make sense? No, I didn't think so..._

_Kay, I'll stop confusing you now:) Please review!!_

* * *


	5. The Injury

**Step 5: Add 1 chocolate pudding**

**And one lie**

**To make a sweet, medicinal treat**

* * *

Today had been a weird one for Pam. First, Dwight had been acting nice to her about an hour after he had blown chunks on his car. Second, Jim was getting oddly jealous at her newfound friendship with this new, airhead Dwight. It was amusing, yet annoying for Pam to watch Jim get upset over this stupid, weird phenomenon that was probably only temporary.

Third, she had to watch Ryan race back and forth between the office and various food stores to get dark meat sandwiches for Michael and his burnt foot. She couldn't help but feel sympathetic.

Pam had worked with Michael for quite awhile, and she knew many of the insane food cravings he got. One of them was chocolate pudding from a certain gas station in Carbondale. It was just Swiss Miss Chocolate, but Michael claimed it tasted better from there. Pam just went along with it with little fuss, keeping a package of Carbondale puddings stashed in her drawer at all times. Just in case.

She watched as Ryan walked back out of the conference room, looking exhausted and still in his windbreaker he wore just a few minutes ago out to Strausburg. She could feel the frustration emanating off of him as he walked near her desk to hang up his coat. Pam empathized again.

"He make you get yams again?" Pam asked softly to him. Honestly, she didn't know what Ryan had gotten Michael. Just lately his obsession was yams, and she took a guess.

"Couldn't find them." Ryan sighed as he hung up his coat and ran a hand through his thick, black hair. "I got him everything else I could find, but now he's whining about chocolate pudding." He shook his head hopelessly.

Pam grinned slightly as she leaned down and opened up a hidden drawer. She pulled out a single cup of pudding and handed it to him.

"It's his favorite. The ones from Carbondale." Pam smiled as he took it. He looked absolutely blown away by her quick thinking.

"Oh my God, Pam. Thank you so much!" Ryan looked right into her eyes with a look of immense relief, and Pam felt a churning in her stomach. "I owe you one."

"Don't mention it," Pam tucked a piece of hair behind her ear, smiling back at him. Just then, a loud banging can be heard from the conference room, and everyone turns around to look.

"RYAN!!" Michael shouted from inside. Ryan froze. "Ryan, rub butter on my foot!! It's starting to ooze again...!"

Ryan and Pam just looked at each other, feeling queasy. Pam pulled open another drawer and plucked out a bottle of extra-strength aspirin. She handed it to Ryan.

"For Michael. Mash it up in his pudding... he seems a little fussy."

Ryan stared at her, then at the pills, a smile forming on his lips. "Genius." he muttered before thanking her again and quickly walking off toward the kitchen.

Pam watched him go, knowing that joking with Ryan had its benefits. She turned back to her computer, a grin still playing on her lips.

* * *

**Step 5: Check**


	6. Boys and Girls

**Step 6: Sometimes all you need to do**

**is separate**

**the 1 male and 1 female,**

**and they will still end up together**

* * *

This warehouse day-trip was getting out of control. Michael had already managed to insult Darryl and his crew, force extra, yet irrelevant work upon them all, and tip over two industrial-sized warehouse shelves. But still: it was, all-in-all, a pretty average day.

Ryan yawned as he sat on a chair, balancing a full plate of pizza. He wasn't hungry, but Michael forced the food upon him, saying that they were "all coming together as one in the 'za". Whatever that meant. All he knew is that the day was almost over, and he wanted to go upstairs and get at least a little work done. He excused himself, dumped the uneaten pizza in a nearby trash can, and headed upstairs.

He was walking through the secluded hallway that led to the elevators when he heard a noise come from around the corner. Ryan froze, listening. It sounded like sniffling. Or...

"Pam?"

Ryan peeked around the corner and saw Pam sitting on a bench near the bathrooms. She looked up at him with red, puffy eyes and an official-looking pamphlet clutched in her hand. She looked absolutely broken, and Ryan was suddenly embarrassed.

"Oh, I'm sorry Pam! I didn't mean to... I was just walking-"

"It's okay," Pam cut in quietly. She wiped a tear away with her sleeve and sniffed.

There was a silence, cut only by a few sniffles from Pam. Ryan was uncomfortable: should he stay or should he leave her alone to her crying? He thought it would be best if he left, because, well... he could think of a million reasons why he should. But part of him wanted to stay and comfort her; to sit down next to her and to hold her tight and say that everything was going to be okay now. A deep, dark, hidden part of him, that was.

Ryan stayed rooted in the spot.

Pam saw he was still there. "You don't have to stay, if you don't want." She pressed her lips together when she looked up at him, making her nose and eyes appear redder in appearance. She looked so sad and pathetic and small, Ryan knew it would be cruel to leave her like this.

"Pam, what's wrong?" Ryan asked quietly, walking around her and sitting next to her. The bench was small, and he could feel how warm her skin felt against his when he set himself down.

Pam meekly gestured to the pamphlet, but didn't say anything. Instead, her eyes screwed up, and a fresh bout of tears overcame her again. She leaned over and pressed her face against Ryan's shoulder and pulled out gut-wrenching sobs; wrapping both arms around his left one and squeezing tightly. She obviously needed someone to comfort her. Ryan stiffened, unsure at how to react to this new, vulnerable Pam. But after a minute of her muffled crying, Ryan relaxed. He slipped his arm out of her grasp and wrapped it around her shaking shoulders, rubbing her back in soothing motions. He hesitantly lay his cheek on top of her head, letting it rest lightly on her curly hair.

For a good five minutes, Ryan and her stayed like that. Nobody else passed through the hall, in which he was grateful for.

Pam finally calmed down and stopped crying. She sniffed slightly, pulling away from Ryan's shoulder and looking up into his blue eyes with her red, tear-filled ones. Ryan slowly pulled his arm off of her.

"I'm never going to become an artist, Ryan." she whispered.

Ryan looked down at her, feeling a little cold now that Pam wasn't pressed up so close against him anymore.

"Why not?"

She shook her head slightly, and focused her devastated eyes on his shirt, "I'm never gonna get out of this place and follow my dreams. I'm never gonna leave this damn town. I'll never get to experience the world because..." she hesitated.

"Because why?" Ryan whispered

Pam looked down at her shoes, her breathing a little shallow. "Roy's right. I have too many things going on and with the wedding coming up... taking these classes would be unrealistic." She fingered the pamphlet again, and Ryan suddenly understood.

"Obviously he's not right, or you wouldn't be in this hallway crying right now." Ryan pointed out, and Pam smirked humorlessly.

"Roy's telling me no. Jim's telling me yes, because I shouldn't want to be cooped up in this place forever. Both guys I care about, but both are applying the pressure. I don't know which one to listen to..." Pam looked up into Ryan's eyes, pleading. He was going to be included, apparently.

Ryan took a deep breath. "Pam, if art is something _you_ really want to do, then do it. If you want it badly enough, you should do it on your own time. This isn't about Roy or Jim or pleasing anyone else: this is your dream. Do you think I asked my friends or girlfriend if I could go to business school? No, because owning a company is _my_ dream. It's something I want to follow, and if the people I care about don't like it... well, they're not really my friends then, are they?"

Pam stared at him, and blinked. A smile slowly formed on her lips, and she was beaming at him, and Ryan suddenly felt a little uncomfortable.

"What?"

Pam still smiled at him, and hooked her arm through his. "Nothing. You're just absolutely right, that's all."

Ryan grinned before pulling her up and leading her back up through the office. Pam smiled again, following.

Was it that conversation Ryan would remember at the end of the day? When Pam opened up to him about how she was afraid that she would never leave Scranton and pursue her dreams? Would he remember when she hugged him for dear life as she was crying, and he hoped she would never let go? Yeah he would remember all those things. But the thing that would stay in his memory forever was what Pam said to him as they were walking towards the office from the elevators; her arm still hooked in his and her breath feeling warm on the back of his neck:

"You would take good care of me, Ryan. If only I were getting married to you."

Ryan was going to save that one. Just in case.

* * *

**Step 6: Check**


	7. Take Your Daughter To Work Day

**Step 7: Little kids**

**Always add a little spark of light**

**To a dark, dark office**

* * *

It was true, Pam did want children. A cute little girl she could play dolls with or put clips in her hair. Or a little boy she could goof around and play with. It was the ultimate goal of many women, not just her, to have children. Especially now, since she was getting married. But, just her luck, she was absolutely terrible with them. Children always seemed to want to run screaming from her, making her feel like she would be terrible at taking care of them. That's why, today, she had taken some precautions.

She arranged the glass bowls of candy so they could be seen clearly from below the counter. She wanted to make sure the smaller kids would have access to the candy as much as the older ones. Jim had called it bribery, but Pam thought it was just being friendly. She just wanted to make sure the kids would have a reason to come over so she could talk to them. Like the witch in Hansel and Gretel...

Yeah.

Pam sighed as she watched the office from her aerial reception view. Stanley's daughter Melissa was sitting next to her father, ear buds in and her head bopping to some music audible only to her. A grin played on her lips as her fingers flew across her cell phone key pad, texting at lighting speed. Jake was flicking eraser tops and paper clips at a very annoyed Oscar and whispering swear words under his breath when he missed. Meredith ignored it all, merely focusing on her work. Pam glanced over at Abbey, who was sitting with Jim at his desk. She had the phone to her ear, and Jim was murmuring instructions under his breath. Both were rather giggly, and Pam's heart warmed. Jim was so great with children. Maybe he could help her out.

Pam glanced around for the fourth and final child that had come to the office that day, but couldn't find her. She scrunched her eyebrows. Where _was _Sasha?

Pam heard a giggle erupt from her right, and turned to look. She saw a glimpse of a very flustered-looking Ryan backing his chair away from his desk when a tiny blond girl suddenly emerged from under it. Apparently she had been playing hide and seek, and took his desk for refuge. She looked at Ryan for a second, grinned, then shot off, laughing and screeching like a child having too much fun.

Pam, who wasn't expecting that to happen, gave a small burst of laughter. Ryan looked over at her, and she tried to hide her smile by covering it with her hand. Ryan just smirked at her, looked over at Sasha, and widened his eyes when he looked back over at her. Pam gave him a look of pure heart-melt, saying _Isn't she just so adorable?_

_You are such a girl. _Ryan communicated back.

Pam grinned, looking down at her keyboard and pretending she hadn't caught that.

For the rest of the day, Pam couldn't help but imagine what _her_ daughter would look like if she ever had one. She tried imaging her with brown hair and green eyes, blond hair and gray eyes, red hair and brown eyes... but nothing seemed to fit. Only one thing did:

Black hair, and blue eyes.

She didn't like to admit it, but she knew perfectly well why.

* * *

**Step 7: Check**


	8. Michael's Birthday

**Step 8: Take a request**

**to be confined in closed quarters**

**that can either warm**

**or break**

**your heart**

* * *

Carpooling to the ice rink with your coworkers was definitely _not_ a good idea, Ryan concluded as he stood outside in front of Michael's Sebring with Creed. The car looked rather cramped and crowded with piles of empty soda cans and Filet o' Fish wrappers, and Ryan could feel himself getting carsick already. He glanced over at Creed to see how he felt about having to ride in Michael's car, but he merely looked like his normal unconcerned and delirious self.

Ryan began glancing around the parking lot, wondering if anyone would want to trade carpools with him, and he felt dread clench at his heart when he saw Michael bound up toward them. He wasn't going to get his chance to escape.

"Okay, all you Mifflinites! Time to hit the road...!" Michael clapped excitedly, and glanced behind him. "You ready, Pammy?"

Ryan glanced over Michael's shoulder and noticed a very regretful-looking Pam walking slowly toward them all.

"Ready Michael," Pam sighed. Ryan cocked his head when she came nearer.

"You're riding with us?" he asked. Pam rolled her eyes.

"Yeah, unfortunately."

Huh.

Ryan smirked slightly as he held the back door open for Pam to climb in. She thanked him, crouching down and sliding onto the plush seat in the tiny convertible, brushing the greasy pieces of McDonald's tissue paper to the floor as she went. She poked her head out of the open doorway and grinned at Ryan, patting the suspiciously-stained seat closest to him.

"Have a seat." she grinned playfully.

Ryan chuckled nervously, readying himself for the cramped quarters, when he felt a hand on his shoulder. Ryan turned.

It was Jim.

"Hey man, can I have a word?" Jim smiled slightly before tilting his head towards a more secluded part of the parking lot. Ryan, a little confused, told Pam he would be a minute and followed Jim to the indicated spot.

"What's up?" Ryan looked up at Jim questioningly. God, he was, like, ridiculously tall.

Jim looked a little wary about something. "Um, I just wanted to ask... um, do you think we could trade carpools?"

Ryan raised his eyebrows.

Jim chuckled, "Yeah, I know this sounds kinda weird... but I just don't really want to ride with Dwight." He jerked a thumb left of them, and Ryan saw Kelly, Phyllis, and Dwight waiting for Jim at a car nearby.

Ryan knitted his eyebrows, "And... you think I will trade because Kelly's there too?" He gave Jim a skeptical look. Jim merely shrugged, grinning awkwardly.

"You are dating the woman."

Ryan looked at Jim a second longer, understanding why he really wanted to trade. It was sad, and even a little pathetic he wanted to suffer a carpool with Michael in order to be near Pam. But, at least Ryan wouldn't have to go through the uncomfort of a carpool with Michael Scott...

"Well?" Jim asked, a hint of desperation in his eyes. Okay, yeah... _that _was pretty pathetic.

Ryan clapped a hand on Jim's shoulder, trying but probably failing at being sympathetic, "She's engaged, man. You don't want to do that to yourself."

He didn't even gauge Jim's reaction before he turned on his heel and walked back to the car where Pam sat waiting for him.

Yeah, she was engaged... Ryan was reminded of this fact every day.

* * *

**Step 8: Check**


	9. Drug Testing

**Step 9: Just having a little fun**

**Could brighten up your whole day.**

**Even when you're not expecting it**

* * *

Pam sat at her desk, silent and thoughtful. She stared at Jim's oh-so-familiar profile sitting at his desk and typing at his computer. Pam looked at the clock: 3:45. Jim hadn't said a word for almost six hours. Pam sighed, a little lonely, and turned back to her game of solitaire.

Pam had jinxed Jim earlier that day, and he wasn't allowed to talk until he bought her a Coke. But the vending machine was out, so Jim hadn't said a peep since then. Even though he was holding up his end of the bet surprisingly well, Pam couldn't help but wish she could talk to him. She hadn't had anyone to talk to in what felt like forever.

Pam couldn't take it anymore, and got up from her desk, grabbing her purse and pink coat and heading toward the door. She was going to end this game, once and for all.

She made her way down the hall, turned the corner, and froze. Ryan was standing in front of the stairwell, talking on his cell phone. He froze too when he saw her.

They just stood there, staring, till they both seemed to come to their senses a little. Pam shot him a smile and made her way to the elevators. Ryan's lip twitched in her direction, then he looked down, trying to focus on the person on the other line.

"Yeah, I'll have those over as soon as possible..."

Pam pressed the down button, and waited, listening to Ryan talk to some client over the phone. It was a little awkward, but at least she had an excuse to be silent.

There was a loud clunk coming from the elevator, and a whir, then silence. The light from the buttons dimmed, and arrow above the sliding doors went out. The elevator was broken.

"Oh, come on!" Pam said, louder than she intended. She pressed the down button several more times, then smacked the door in frustration. She couldn't believe her luck.

"Sorry, Mr. Bendetti... I'm going to have to call you back." She heard from behind her, then the sound of a phone snapping shut. Pam's face went red, remembering Ryan was there too, and turned to face him.

"Oh my God, Ryan. I'm so sorry!" Pam said quietly, turning to face him. She felt embarrassed she even had to apologize for her rudeness.

Ryan waved her apology away. "Oh, don't worry about it. That guy was a complete idiot anyway; I was just looking for an excuse to hang up on him."

Pam giggled awkwardly, and looked down. They were silent for a second longer before Pam remembered why she was there in the first place.

"Well, I should probably get going..." Pam trailed off before walking around him and down toward the stairwell.

"Where are you going?" he asked. Pam turned, a littled surprised he even asked.

"Uh... I'm just running out to get something." Pam turned back to the stairs, trying to hurry.

"You know, if you want to get a can of Coke for Jim..." Ryan called after her, and Pam froze. "I know a faster and cheaper way."

Pam just stared at Ryan, blown away by how much he knew. He wasn't smiling; just looking at her with a sense of understanding, and maybe a little unsettled sadness. Pam took a step up to him, looking at him skeptically.

"How did you know...?"

"Kelly," he said simply, and Pam knew that meant he probably knew everything about everyone in this office already.

"Oh."

They were silent again, before Pam took another step closer to him. "You said you knew a faster and cheaper way of getting Coke?" a small grin played on her lips, and Ryan smiled in spite of himself.

"Yeah... follow me." He jerked his head, indicating she follow him. She did, still grinning slightly.

He led her to the glass doors of Vance Refrigeration. He peered in, trying to inconspicuously check if anyone was around.

"Vance Refrigeration?" Pam asked curiously.

"Yeah. They have some nice vending machines in their break room. Name-brand and everything. But, the thing is, Bob refuses to let us Dunder-Mifflin guys come anywhere near them. You know, other than Phyllis." he added.

Pam giggled. "Seriously? I always thought that was a joke."

Ryan shook his head. "No way. Bob takes his vending machine snacks _very _seriously. Now come on," Ryan began looking through the glass again. "Check and see if anyone's coming."

Pam checked with him. All was clear.

"Kay. C'mon." he whispered, and opened the door quickly and quietly. Pam followed, just as silent.

They crept, crouching slightly, through the carpeted halls of the Vance Refrigeration office suite. There were no workers in sight; probably all out unloading refrigerators out back. Ryan walked ahead of her and led them to a side door, obviously the break room's, and motioned for her to follow.

She was just about to walk in, when he suddenly threw out his arm to stop her.

She probably would have screamed if Ryan hadn't slapped a hand to her mouth. He pulled her quickly down the hall and around a corner, away from view.

"Ryan...!" Pam tried screaming against his hand, but he shushed her quickly.

There were voices coming from that room.

Both remained silent as they listened to the other voices talk and laugh, sounding a little muffled. Suddenly the door burst open, and the voices got much louder.

Both Pam and Ryan simultaneously prayed that they wouldn't walk their way.

They both stayed hidden for several more minutes, listening to the voices which didn't seem to move from that one spot. Finally, after what felt like forever, they moved away in the opposite direction, toward the loading dock outside.

Pam and Ryan both let out a breath, relieved.

Pam looked down, and realized her and Ryan were pressed up together uncomfortably close, trying not to be seen during those couple minutes of fear. She didn't move; just looked over at Ryan right next to her.

His eyes were really blue, she noticed.

Ryan looked at her too; both their faces were inches apart, seeing as they were still sitting awkwardly close. Ryan cleared his throat.

"We should probably get that soda now."

Pam blinked, not realizing her breathing was becoming a little shallow. "Oh... yeah."

Pam didn't remember much that had happened after: just Ryan leading her to the indicated room and buying the soda for her. Handing it to her, she realized just how warm his hands felt when brushed against hers. They walked back out of Vance Refrigeration, thankfully without any more trouble, but Pam wasn't really thinking about that.

Just how incredibly blue Ryan's eyes seemed.

* * *

**Step 9: Check**


	10. Casino Night

_A/N: Just a tiny little chapter I decided to write because I feel like I haven't in forever. Hope you enjoy:)_

**Step 10: Take the 1 male**

**and make him wonder**

**why he can't break her heart **

**like he did**

* * *

Ryan saw him.

All night, Ryan watched Jim look at Pam every time she was with her fiancee or when her face lit up with absolute joy at a winning hand of cards. Ryan recognized the heartbreak swimming in his eyes every time he did so, because it was a very real feeling he himself had. Casino Night was just a big, flashy excuse to drink and to gamble, and it wasn't a time to mourn over those people who you knew you could never have. Ryan reasoned this as he drank away at his Budweiser and half-listened to Kelly ramble about _something_ that had happened to her the other day at the office.

"... and we were just having the best conversation in the break room last week. I swear, Jim is the _best _listener! He was just completely silent as I talked about the clothes I wore to our second date. You know, the dress that's low-cut at the top to show something, but not everything?? Jim seemed really interested. But then Pam walked in, and it kinda ruined the rest of the conversation. But whatever. They're _so _perfect for each other, it didn't even matter..."

Ryan blinked, suddenly registering the last thing she said, "Wait, what?" he asked stupidly.

Kelly looked at him strangely, "Jim and Pam. Don't you think they're perfect for each other? God, I thought everyone in the office noticed! They're always hanging out, and Jim is so _obviously _in love with her! I swear, their babies are gonna be _models_. And I don't mean the kind of models in the newspaper. I mean the kind in, like, my _Seventeen _or _Cosmo_ magazines..."

Ryan tuned her out again, and thought about how even the people he worked with thought Jim and Pam should be a couple. Jim was always hanging around Pam, cracking jokes and eating her jelly beans. It was natural for people to think that about them, but Ryan couldn't help but wonder. Wonder what people thought about _him_.

Him and Pam. _Ryan_ and Pam.

It seemed impossible; improbable even. Everyone saw them both as two separate people who just worked in the same office. Two people who had two different lives and different jobs and very different personalities that just made them two different people. Two different souls that were caught up in their own little worlds that no one would ever consider putting together. No one would think they had a connection. No one would think she had actually poured out her soul to him during the fire months ago. No one would suspect she had cried on his shoulder in the secluded hallway by the bathrooms while the guys were still in the warehouse eating pizza. No one would believe him if he said they had a little adventure together in Vance Refrigeration.

That idea was terribly depressing to Ryan.

He took a chug of beer, aware of the fact this wasn't the first time he tried to drown out something about Pam with alcohol.

Jim's idea of partying was growing more and more appealing to Ryan with each passing minute.

***

**Step 10: Check**


	11. Gay Witch Hunt

**Step 11: Admittance **

**Is the first step to acceptance**

**

* * *

**

He left.

Pam couldn't believe it; _refused _to believe it.

Jim had actually left.

It seemed as if it were only yesterday when they met on his first day of work. He had walked in, smiled at her, and asked her if she knew where Michael Scott was. She noticed, even back then, how incredibly cute he was. His eyes were bright, and his grin mischevious. It was everything that just made up _Jim._

And now he was gone.

The whole office just seemed darker and the air seemed thicker, as if it were purposefully making it harder for her to breathe. Pam sighed slightly as she pulled a stack of papers off her desk and walked over to the shredder behind her desk, thinking. She began feeding the machine pieces of paper, one at a time, and tried not to focus on her shallow breathing. She imagined that each piece of paper was every piece of her heart that had been mistreated by Roy, broken by Jim, or self-mutilated by her own choices.

Because she knew it was her fault he left.

The guilt was terrible, and she had been doing anything and everything just to avoid admitting what she had done. He had put everything on the line for her, and she rejected him. She rejected him even though, deep down, she knew she felt the same way he did. She just wasn't smart enough to let him know before it was too late.

And of course she had to come right out and say he had misinterpreted things. And not just a few things: she insinuated he had misinterpreted _everything. _There was no way she could have screwed it up any more than she already had...

Pam practically shoved the last piece of paper into the shredder, getting a little satisfaction from how she heard the machine clunk and whir annoyingly as it sucked in the crumpled sheet.

"Can you keep it down?" Angela peeked her stern face over the partition between their desks. "Some of us are trying to work."

"Sorry Angela," Pam mumbled wearily. She tucked a piece of hair behind her ear and turned to sit back down. If Jim had been there, Pam and him would probably be exchanging little glances and giggling at Angela's ridiculously stoic demeanor right now. But he wasn't here.

Everything reminded her how much she missed Jim.

Pam looked out at the entire office and watched everyone at work. The normal noises of clicking mouses and ringing phones and printing paper were the same as usual. Nothing had changed; yet everything had changed. Nothing felt the same, but everything still was. Meredith still sucked away at her overlarge gas-station fountain cup, Kevin and Oscar were still playing hateball in their little corner, and Ryan...

Ryan looked up from his computer and she caught his eye.

They stared at each other for a second before both looked away, a pink tinge to their cheeks. Pam's heart rate went up, and it beat uncomfortably hard against her ribcage as she busied herself with straightening her little area. She wasn't entirely sure why she was reacting like this to a stupid little glance in her direction. Maybe it was because Ryan was sitting where Jim used to. Yeah that must have been it.

Pam looked up at him again, and caught Ryan peeking at her again too. He grimaced politely and turned back to his work.

But Pam still looked at him.

She began to wonder, just a little bit, if she had, in fact, made the right choice. That she was supposed to say "I can't" to Jim and he was supposed to leave for Stamford, never to be heard from again. That in his old desk should now hold a man who had been so sweet to her over this past year. The man who had comforted her when she needed it, and made her laugh when she wanted to. Maybe things would be different now. Maybe Ryan would now be the one who came up to her desk and joked with her, eating her jelly beans and pulling pranks.

Maybe Ryan could be her new Jim.

Pam still watched him work, an odd feeling in her stomach: a feeling she hadn't felt since around mid-May. A feeling of acceptance, I guess you could describe it as. But she didn't think that was quite it. It almost felt like...

Pam felt a small, silent laugh laugh escape her lips, and shook her head. No, there was no way she felt that way. That was ridiculous.

The phone next to her rang, and she quickly got back to work.

***

Pam had been sitting in the same spot in the uncomfortable conference room chair for over an hour now, and she desperately wanted to just stand up and walk around a little. Michael wouldn't allow any of them to move though, so she suffered through it.

Ryan was sitting right next to her, and he looked just as uncomfortable as she did.

"We are all Homos..." Michael suddenly announced, and Pam felt a giggle build up in her throat. "Homosapians."

Pam turned to look at Ryan, a smile curling on her face. Ryan would definitely laugh with her on this one. She trusted he would make her feel better.

"What?" he looked at her, a small frown etched on his face. Her face fell, and she looked away.

She would never admit to anyone how hurt she really was by that. She looked up at the camera, then back at Michael, absolutely sure that she did _not _make the right choice.

* * *

**Step 11: Check**


	12. Gay Witch Hunt Continued

**Step 12: Take the 1 male**

**And fill with regret**

**Over a stupid joke**

* * *

_Seriously: Am I just the biggest fucking idiot in the world?_

Ryan sat at his desk and stared at his computer until the screen's edges started to blur. He stared till his eyes were so dry he had to snap them shut and rub his eyelids until he saw spots. He opened his eyes again and looked around at his supposed coworkers who were all working at their respective jobs. He then grabbed a pencil nearby and started tapping it on the desk, staring off into space.

For some reason, he was very nervous.

_I could've laughed at that joke._

Ryan sighed and chanced a peek in Pam's direction. She sat at her desk and looked like her normal bored, apathetic self: staring at her computer screen (probably Free Cell) and yawning every so often. He knew she would occasionally look up and stare at him for a few seconds several times a day, but Ryan knew, deep down, that was only because Jim used to sit here.

_That joke was funny: Why didn't I laugh??_

She missed Jim, and Ryan knew that. He knew that, and he hated it. And he hated that he hated it. It was a vicious circle of anger and regret that sent him spinning in circles of bitterness.

And all of it was set off by one stupid failed joke.

_She must hate me now._

Ryan glanced up at Pam again, and this time she made eye contact with him. This was like the third time today. Ryan hesitantly smiled and even gave her a small wave, and she smiled politely back. He looked back at his work, butterflies crashing around in his stomach.

_Well, maybe she doesn't hate me... but I'm still no Jim..._

A few hours ago, everyone in the office found out Oscar was gay. Oscar seemed okay with admitting it, but a little less tolerant of Michael dedicating a whole day for them all to discuss it in the conference room. Ryan remembered feeling so lucky at snagging a seat next to Pam even in such an unpleasant environment. He was pleased, but couldn't ever let Kelly know how pleased he really was. So he kept his face passive and his mouth zipped.

But as the meeting went by, he began feeling less and less lucky and more and more miserable. He couldn't believe Michael was oblivious at how insensitive he was being to Oscar and his lifestyle. And through this haze of misery, an opportunity to joke with Pam just went completely over his head.

"_We are all homos... Homosapians..."_

_Pam had looked up at me and smiled and tried to get me in on the joke. But I just stared at her like a complete idiot._

"_What?" Could I have sounded even more like an moron??_

That little "what?" had hurt her feelings, and Ryan knew that. And he hated it more than he hated the fact she missed Jim. He looked up at reception one more time, and knew he had to fix things...

***

Everyone was packing up for the day. Ryan was piling some paperwork into his suitcase standing up and was about to put his coat on as he noticed Pam walking up to his desk, a slip of paper in between her fingers.

"This came for you," she mumbled, setting it on his desk, "Henderson Inc."

"Oh. Thanks..." Ryan said, and watched her press her lips together and look down at her feet, his heart thumping uncomfortably hard.

"Uh..." he said, wanting to explain things before he lost the nerve. But before he could, someone quickly walked past them, almost knocking over Pam as he stalked his way over to the door. It was Oscar.

"Oh... poor Oscar." Pam said sympathetically, brushing a stray piece of hair away from her face and looking at the door. "Having to kiss Michael Scott in front of the whole office mustn't have been very fun."

Ryan grinned slightly, slipping on his coat and noticing another opportunity. "I don't know... if he wasn't gay, it could have been a whole lot worse."

Pam looked back at him and scrunched her nose, "I know, but still... _Michael_."

Ryan laughed at that and looked down. His suitcase was in hand and he was ready to go, but he still just stood there. Pam just stood there too, even though they were the only ones left in the office now.

"But still... at least it wasn't you or me who had to do it, right?" Ryan looked up, and noticed Pam grinning playfully at him now.

Ryan grinned too, and began heading towards the door, still facing Pam, "It probably wouldn't have mattered though: we're all homos... remember?"

He smiled at her, turned back around, and headed out the door. He never noticed Pam freeze in her spot or her eyes open wide at his comment, but he didn't need to.

_What was I so worried about in the first place?_

_***_

**Step 12: Check**


	13. The Convention

**Step 13: Double dates can be fun**

**But sometimes not in the way you'd expect**

* * *

Pam leaned back in the cramped booth beside Kelly's neighbor Allen. Being on a first date for the first time in nine years she knew was going to be weird, but she didn't think it would be this awkward. As much as she liked talking art, Allen was shy and only occasionally brought it up, leaving it to be filled with uncomfortable silences as Kelly and Ryan sat across from them, her continuously feeding him soggy fries smothered in ketchup.

Pam couldn't help but chuckle when she looked at Ryan: he had about three or four fries sticking out of his mouth, and Kelly still kept trying to stuff more in there. Ryan kept looking over at Pam with a 'help me!' expression in his eyes, and Pam couldn't do much more than grin. It was kind of fun silently torturing him like this.

Allen excused himself to go to the bathroom, and got up from the table. Pam couldn't help but feel a little glad, and she breathed a slightly audible sigh of relief. She needed a moment to collect herself.

"Omigod!" Kelly suddenly squealed, making both Pam and Ryan to jump. "Is that girl wearing genuine Duluxiana?!?" she pointed over to a young woman who had just walked in, wearing a pair of ridiculous spandex-looking silver pants. "I have to ask where she got them!" and without another word she hopped up and scurried toward where the woman was standing, like she was some big-shot celebrity and Kelly was one of her washed-up fans.

Ryan grabbed his napkin the moment Kelly ran away and spit out all of the fries into it. "Yech," he mumbled thickly, wrapping up the spew and tossing it onto his plate.

Pam looked away, giggling and squeamish, "Ew, God! Why did you have to do that in front of me??"

Ryan smiled, looking slightly ashamed, "Sorry." he snickered, looking down.

They both sat there, silent. There was a small, awkward pause for about ten seconds before Ryan broke it:

"I really hate ketchup."

That comment was so random, yet on topic, Pam couldn't help but start cracking up. He snapped and started cracking up too. They both couldn't stop laughing; hunched over, head bowed, barely able to breathe as they giggled so uncontrollably it hurt. Tears were streaming down Pam's and Ryan's cheeks and smiles were stretched tightly across their faces before they calmed down enough to finally stop laughing a minute or two later.

They gave a few last titters before Pam wiped the tears from her eyes, "Oh, God..." she mumbled, grinning. "I'm sorry. I'm usually not this obnoxiously loud when I laugh..."

"I like listening to you laugh." Ryan blurted suddenly; sincerely.

Pam smiled, but it faded ever so slightly as she continued to look at Ryan. Ryan looked back; a little nervous, as if he had said something wrong. The stare was strong, sending her heart into fits of erratic thumps. They were silent again, but this time, the pause wasn't awkward. It wasn't even remotely uncomfortable. Pam knew as she stared into his big blue eyes: the silence was just there.

It was nice.

"So what'd I miss?" someone from her left said suddenly, and Pam turned to see that Allen was back. The spell was broken.

Pam smiled politely, "Nothing much." she glanced back at Ryan, smiling. "Just Ryan telling me how much he _loves_ ketchup."

Ryan smiled back, his blue eyes sparkling.

Kelly appeared suddenly by them too, mumbling something about "fashion police", and they all got up to leave. Pam said a polite goodbye to Allen, and Kelly and Ryan were outside by their car, leaving for the day. At that moment, neither Pam nor Ryan were thinking about their significant other.

***

Pam came in to work the next day to find a ketchup packet lying on her keyboard. She smiled as she picked it up, knowing who had intentionally put it there. She would have laughed if it didn't remind her of another inside joke from a salesman who had once given her flutters much like the ones she was experiencing now.

***

**Step 13: Check**


	14. The Coup

**Step 13:**

**The little changes in life**

**Can also be the most intoxicating**

* * *

_She really should wear bright colors more often. _Ryan watched Pam walk in from the kitchen wearing her new red blouse she got with Kelly online shopping. He was no woman, but he could see that her skin did look healthier and less pale than it did when she wore washerwoman grey; almost like she was glowing. Her hair looked less frizzy and nicer and her eyes were brighter too because of it. She didn't smile at him or anything as she carried her small cup of yogurt to her desk; she just stared down at the floor, deep in concentration. It were these little things that jumped out at Ryan as he sat working at his desk...

Wait a minute, shouldn't he be actually working? Ryan looked at the clock and realized, with a small amount of shock, that a good 5 minutes had passed. What had he been doing that whole time? He glanced back at Pam, who was seating herself down at her desk chair. He was going to have to be careful with that...

***

Ryan sighed as he stood up and stretched, a few hours after that little episode with Pam. He blinked a few times as he walked to the kitchen and towards the supply closet, remembering he had to get something for Michael. He just hoped he would be focused enough to actually find something.

Ryan was a little confused when he saw the supply closet door was already open but the lights still off. He peeked in, and suddenly understood: Pam was in there.

Her back was to him, but Ryan just silently looked at her. A few curls spilled down her back but most hung unseen by her face. She was looking at something; Ryan couldn't tell what because of the darkness. All he was focused on was the way she leaned all her weight on one foot and crossed her ankles, her elevated shoe slipping slightly off her heel. That, and how Kelly had such amazing taste in picking out Pam's clothes.

He must have breathed loudly or something, because Pam whipped around. "Ryan!" she said, jumping up in surprise. Ryan, embarrassed at being caught staring, looked away and shoved his hands in his pockets.

"Hey Pam," he said awkwardly. Both their faces were bright red, and Pam would look anywhere but him.

"Oh, um... hey" she mumbled. She looked down and, probably thinking she had nothing better to do, slowly turned back to the shelves.

Ryan wandered to the shelf across from her, so their backs were facing each other. He started glancing around the different items in silence, suddenly realizing he had no idea what he was supposed to be getting for Michael. This sudden burst of amnesia could not have come at a worse time for him, but Ryan still just scanned his eyes over the packs of pencils and highlighters and paper and a few home maintenance items. He hoped a revelation would come soon.

He could hear Pam stop shifting items around and the brush of hair against fabric as she turned her head to look at him. "What are you looking for?" she asked.

Ryan chuckled slightly as he turned around to look at Pam's darkened face. "I'm not sure exactly; but it's supposed to be for Michael."

Pam smiled and looked down and the ground, trying to hide her amusement. Ryan watched her finger a few items on the shelf, his heart thumping harder than normal as her fingers grazed over some reams of paper and packs of pens and bottles of bug spray.

"I'm just hiding out in here for a bit." she admitted, bravely in Ryan's opinion.

He didn't really know how to respond to that, so he just looked at her until she looked up from the ground and met his eyes. They looked oddly bright against the darkness of the closet.

She suddenly mentioned, quietly, "The fire last year."

Ryan creased his brow, wondering why she had brought up that horribly embarrassing day, "What about it?"

Pam still stared into his eyes, and his heart kept pumping faster because of it, "That was the day I found you hiding out from Michael. Behind the building."

Ryan was still confused, "Is that what you're doing now?"

Pam shifted uncomfortably, and finally looked away from his eyes, "Yeah... but just not from Michael."

Ryan merely blinked, knowing what she meant by that. He knew he should have been upset by that comment referring to Jim, but he didn't feel angry. In fact, he didn't feel anything. The only thing he could feel was the loud pumping of his heart; it pounded in his ears, hands, and fingertips, sending his brain spinning. All he could see was her: her and her smile and her eyes and her pretty new blouse. There was nothing else he would rather focus on.

In his peripheral vision he saw an extra World's Best Boss mug sitting on the shelf above Pam's left shoulder: now he knew what he was supposed to be getting for Michael. In a trance it seemed, he walked up toward Pam and reached up over her shoulder, grabbing the small box containing the mug. He realized he was pressing up against Pam, feeling her soft skin and the fabric from her clothes against his. He heard her gasp slightly as he pulled away, and he looked into her eyes. They were closed and her mouth was open a little, as if she couldn't control the beating of her heart much more than he could.

She opened her eyes, and looked up at him. Ryan looked right back into her eyes, noticing they almost looked a little wet. He didn't know how long they had stared like that, but it didn't matter anyway.

Because at that moment, they kissed.

He didn't know if he leaned in first or if she did, or even if they both did at the same time. But that didn't matter either, because Ryan was actually kissing her. It was electric; no other way to describe it. Ryan touched her face with his hand, dropping the mug to their feet as he opened his mouth against hers. She responed, God, did she respond. She wrapped her arms around his neck and kissed him deeply, and Ryan could only feel a soaring happiness at kissing her. He pushed her up against the shelf causing a few of the small pencil boxes to clatter to the carpeted floor along with the mug. It didn't matter that they were technically still at work and Ryan was technically still dating Kelly from Customer Services and that Pam was technically still in love with the salesman who used to sit in Ryan's desk.

But all that didn't matter in that small, delicate bubble that was Ryan and Pam's first kiss.

Pam was the first to break away from him, probably crashing back into reality. Ryan opened his eyes after she backed away, and saw the utter sadness and heartbreak swimming in her eyes. Without another word, Pam pushed past him and walked out of the closet, toward the bright office outside.

And as soon as the moment had come, it was over.

***

**Step 13: Check**


	15. Branch Closing

_Disclaimer: I don't own the office or its affiliates_

*******

**Put all these ingredients together**

**And you've got an emotional affair.**

**There are actually hundreds of ways**

**You can formulate such a task,**

**But the purest and simplest way**

**Is the way I've just shown you:**

**Through the likes of **

**Ryan Howard **

**and Pam Beesly.**

*******

**Step 15: I hope that their story**

**Will help you to truly understand**

**The meaning of real sacrifice**

**For the one you love.**

It didn't really hit Ryan until the day after at lunch.

The day before he had just walked out of the supply closet and through the kitchen doors and to his desk as if nothing happened. He had made a few calls and finished up for the day, leaving without a glance her direction. He had went home, called his mom back to update her on how business school was going, went out for a beer with some friends, then came home and went to bed. The next day he came to work, as usual, with his overcoat and suitcase in hand, while trying to convince Kelly that he hadn't been ignoring her calls and imploring that her phone didn't receive texts. Michael greeted him in his usual creepy, flamboyant manner, and Ryan wishing the day to be over already.

If wasn't until he sat down for lunch with Oscar and Meredith a few hours later and he was bending his head over, ready to take a bite of his turkey sandwich, when reality suddenly crashed over him like a ton of bricks:

_Holy crap. I kissed Pam Beesly yesterday._

It was like a blast of icy water had hit him square in the face, sending his mind into reels of dizziness.

How could he have not come to realize this sooner?

His mind flashed back to yesterday in the supply closet: the way she was fingering the different items on the shelf and how she had brought up, oh so timidly, why she was hiding there. The way he had intentionally and unintentionally walked up close to her and how she looked right up at him. How they had kissed...

No question about it: it had been perfect.

But to think: yesterday he had actually _kissed_ her. Like he had been dreaming about for God knows how long (but never admitting it to anyone, and barely even himself). In the supply closet, he had truly, for real, made-out with Pam Beesly. A sudden wave of panic overtook him when he realized that the door had been open when it occurred, leaving them exposed to the rest of the office. Anyone could have been passing by and would've seen what they were doing. People probably could've even _heard _them. If someone had been around right then, there would be no mistaking it. And someone like Kelly would make sure that everyone in the office knew too. And, oh God, _Kelly_...!

"--Ryan?" a voice said from far away, and Ryan snapped back to reality, realizing he was still hovering, frozen, over his turkey sandwich. Oscar was looking at him with concern.

"Are you okay? You were kind of spacing out there for a few minutes."

Ryan blinked, and set his sandwich down, "Yeah I'm fine. I just remembered something, that's all..."

He gathered up his uneaten lunch and threw it in the garbage, suddenly not very hungry. He stood up and walked towards the main part of the office, opening the swinging door to it.

His mind was still reeling, and he didn't see the figure walking towards him from the other side.

"Oomf!"

Ryan had run smack-dab into Pam.

"Sorry," they mumbled at the exact same time, and Pam froze. She had been looking down, but after hearing his voice, her eyes slowly made its way up his feet, then to his torso, then finally landing on his face. Her big, gray eyes looked terrified and nervous and about a billion other emotions Ryan himself was experiencing, plus a rapidly increasing heart-rate. It lasted about two seconds before he came crashing back to reality for the second time in five minutes.

"...Sorry," he mumbled again, standing aside to let her pass. Pam merely looked down at her shoes again and walked past him with a mumbled "thanks."

Well, at least that was over with. Ryan took a deep breath to calm his speeding heart and began walking out the door.

_I could live with this,_ Ryan consoled himself as he made his way to his desk, _It might be a little awkward, but I can live with this._

And he could. He was sure of it.

***

**Several Weeks Later**

Stamord was closing down.

Ryan wasn't really sure how he felt about it. He felt happy that he at least still had a job, but was discouraged by the fact that it was still here. When he thought, for those brief hours, that Dunder-Mifflin Scranton was closing down, he felt an odd sense of freedom. Yes, he knew he was pretty much screwed financial-wise, but he was given an out from Michael's jokes and Kelly's unbearable chattering. And of course from the uncomfortable associations with Pam.

But now, he found out he actually still had his job. And like he said, he didn't really know how to feel about it.

Ryan sighed as he opened the door to the kitchen to grab Kelly to leave for the day.

"Oh. Hello."

Ryan almost jumped a foot in the air when he suddenly noticed Pam sitting by herself at the table. Her eyes and nose were a little red, and her uncharacteristically tied-back hair a little unkempt. She was looking up at him.

"Hey," Ryan said, a little flustered. He suddenly realized who it was and looked away awkwardly. Just great. He managed to put himself in an uncomfortable position with her once again without skipping a beat.

He cleared his throat slightly and kept walking through, trying not to make eye contact.

"You've been avoiding me."

Ryan stopped dead in his tracks, and slowly turned his head towards Pam. She wasn't looking at him; just idly playing with a square paper napkin in her hands. The way she said it, in such a matter-of-fact tone, made Ryan feel suddenly guilty. He didn't want to be avoiding her. He just thought that's how they were going to act around each other from now on.

She looked up at him when he didn't say anything, and smiled softly. "I'm not blaming you."

He watched her lie the napkin down flat on the table and fold it in half, then fold two corners in. She pulled out a pocket and pressed it flat; a complicated fold that Ryan was sure he couldn't learn to do.

"Where did you find time to learn that?" Ryan asked, not really sure what else to say. He made his way toward her and sat down across from her.

"Automatic voice mail." She explained, a ghost of a grin still playing on her lips. She flipped the napkin over and folded two other corners in, making it look almost like a tiny kite. She was concentrating on her work, but glanced up at Ryan like peeking up over a pair of sunglasses.

"So, you mind explaining to me why you've been avoiding me?"

Ryan looked at her, marveling how cool and collected she sounded, as if none of these past weeks had fazed her in the slightest. And maybe they hadn't, but Ryan couldn't be sure.

"I just... I don't want things to be awkward." Ryan said, shrugging. He figured if Pam was cool with putting it all out in the open, he should be too. "After... what happened."

Pam nodded understandably, still focusing on her napkin. "Our kiss." she said simply, her tongue stuck out of her mouth a little bit as she tried to reverse a complicated fold, making Ryan smile slightly.

His heart was pounding even harder now. "Yeah."

Pam finally looked up from her work and into Ryan's eyes, a little sadly. "Can I tell you something?"

Ryan raised his eyebrows, "Sure."

"Jim kissed me last May."

Ryan could've feigned surprise, but really he wasn't. "Really?"

Pam nodded, smirking slightly. "Yeah, right over there." she looked up and nodded toward the main office. "Right by your desk."

This actually surprised Ryan. "Seriously? Couldn't you guys have found a more romantic spot to share a kiss?"

Pam grinned at him, raising an eyebrow, "Like where? A supply closet?"

Ryan chuckled and looked down. "Touch e."

Pam shook her head and began making tiny little folds on her napkin. "The kiss Jim and I shared last May was real, and it made me make some life-changing decisions that night. He left the day after, and I haven't seen or heard from him since, other than a phone-call last month." she pressed the abstractly-folded napkin to the table and looked at Ryan seriously. "You say that right now it's awkward? Imagine what it's going to be like if and when Jim comes back from Stamford to work in this office again."

Ryan couldn't help it, and laughed. He felt a sudden sobering of this situation he'd been obsessing over for nearly a month. Pam's problem's actually seemed real compared to his minor ones, and he once again, felt a little guilty.

"Do you know if Jim's coming back from Stamford?"

"No idea," Pam was back to her creation, folding the two ends up and making it almost distinguishable. "But I have a feeling he is."

Ryan cocked an eyebrow, "How do you know?"

Pam shrugged, "I just know. I can always sense some things about him: when he's bored, or when he's having a bad day, and apparently when he's coming back after a five-month vacation." She put the finishing touches on her masterpiece, grinning down at it.

Pam set it down on the table, and looked Ryan in the eye. "Ryan, I like you. You're a good person, and I've loved getting to know you over the years. You're sweet, and Kelly's a very lucky girl." Pam put her hand over his. "That kiss we shared in the closet was wonderful; I'm not going to deny that. But when I look back on it, when I try to remember it, I think of..." she hesitated, looking guilty, "I think of Jim and _our_ kiss. I think about how much I miss him and how I wish I could talk to him again." She took a deep breath and looked down, taking her hand off of his, "I can't move on."

Ryan felt a sinking sense of sadness, feeling as if he was little and had lost one of his favorite toys. He understood what she was saying and, even though he knew it was coming, he still felt his heart break a little.

Pam stood up, and Ryan did the same. She reached down to the table and picked up her artwork: an origami swan. She handed it to him, making Ryan smile when he took it.

"I belong to Jim. No matter how much I want to hate him for breaking my heart or about what we shared while he was away... I'm sorry." her eyes showed nothing but pure remorse.

Ryan, taking a deep breath, looked down at his swan, and smiled quietly. "I always knew you belonged to him. I just didn't really like it."

She gave him a watery smile as she cupped his face in her hand kissed him softly on the cheek, and Ryan couldn't help but smile at her.

He didn't know if this was a breakup, or if it wasn't. Maybe it was just an understanding. Whatever it was, he knew the evening would be ending with going out for drinks with Kelly, thinking about school the next night and dreading work the next day.

It would be like any other night, but with no thoughts of Pam Beesly hanging in the back of his brain. And for once, the idea of that made him feel good.

**The End**

* * *

**A/N: Life has been completely crazy lately with school and homework, so I have decided to end this one a little early. I plan on writing more office stories in the future, so don't worry:) This story has run it's course, even though I have loved every minute of it. Please review and tell me what you thought about it! ****Thanks:)**

**-StrawPohj**


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